Together And Sleeping Separately... What It Means For Health

Over 60 million Americans suffer from insomnia. And it gets worse the older you get. There may be several reasons, including health conditions and changing circadian rhythms.

And while many used to wear sleeplessness as a badge of honor, today, we're becoming more likely to hear people talk about improving their sleep quality and quantity. Searching for sleep often includes sleeping separately from a spouse or partner. Is sleeping separately really healthier?

Let's take a look...

Key Takeaways

• Getting quality sleep has enormous ramifications for the health of your body and the health of your relationships. Quality sleep runs nearly every system in your body.
• Many people find it difficult to sleep together due to issues ranging from sleep apnea to vastly different work or sleeping-waking cycles and temperature differences.
• For many couples, getting quality sleep—sometimes by sleeping separately—can lead to better health outcomes and improve relationships by reducing irritability, stress, and conflicts.

Sleep Quality and Relationships

Importance of Improved Quality Sleep

If you’ve pulled an all-nighter — whether by choice, out of necessity, or because of insomnia—you know just how critical sleep is to your wellbeing. Everyone needs sleep, but about one in three American adults don’t get enough of it.

The consequences of sleep deprivation are serious, so it’s worth learning why sleep matters, how it works, and how to give yourself the best chances of getting a good night’s sleep. And for an increasing number of people, that means couples may maintain separate bedrooms to improve their sleep quality -- and their relationships.

Why Getting Enough Sleep Is Important

Sleep is critical for your body and mind to recharge, refresh, and detoxify. Healthy sleep quality also helps you stay energetic and avoid diseases. Without sleep your brain is impaired, you're unable to concentrate, think or process memories (you're living in a brain fog), and you're at much higher risk of accidents at home, in the workplace or on the highway.

Wide-Ranging Benefits of Sleep

Sleep serves so many functions that it's almost shocking that sleep deprivation has been worn as a badge of honor for so many decades. Sleep is important to:

• Learning and memory -- Sleep aids focus and concentration and facilitates the brain to register and organize memories. In other words, various forms of learning.
• Emotional regulation -- Helps people regulate emotions. Lack of sleep can make you fly off the handle at the slightest provocation instead of being patient, or even able to discuss things.
• Stress management -- Sleep helps you manage the physical and psychological effects of stress. In fact, if you define stress as anything that makes your system work harder than it needs to for daily life, sleep deprivation is actually inducing stress on the body.
• Judgment and decision making -- Sleeplessness impairs your ability to recognize danger and threats, including those while driving or at work. Healthy sleep promotes sound judgment, smart decision making, and other executive functions. [2]
• Problem solving -- Research shows that "sleeping on a decision" improves your chances of solving the problem and making a good decision. [1]
• Growth and healing -- Sleep releases growth hormone needed for the body's tissues to grow and to repair damage.
• Hormone regulation -- Many hormones are regulated during sleep, including those related to glucose metabolism, and leptin and ghrelin which are related to appetite control. [6]
• Immunity -- Supports immune function and helps the body fight off diseases and infections.

Dangers of Sleeplessness

You know how some people just seem to struggle more with sleep than others? Well, it turns out there are actually certain groups who are more likely to toss and turn at night. As we age, our sleep patterns change. It's like our internal clock gets a bit wonky, and we might wake up more during the night. This is especially true for women. Blame it on hormones - from monthly cycles to pregnancy to menopause, they can really mess with your shut-eye. People dealing with mental health issues such as anxiety or depression can struggle with sleep. So can those with chronic illnesses, chronic pain or who are suffering from high stress life events, like the death of a loved one.

Lack of sleep, especially when it becomes chronic, poses several serious risks to both physical and mental health. Here are the key risks associated with chronic sleep insufficiency or insufficient sleep:

• Impaired Cognitive Function and Memory: Lack of sleep affects attention, alertness, concentration, and problem-solving skills, making it harder to process and retain new information. Sleep is crucial for memory consolidation. Without adequate sleep, both short-term and long-term memory can be impaired, making it difficult to learn and remember information.
• Mental Health Issues: Insufficient sleep is strongly linked to mental health disorders, including anxiety, depression, and mood disorders. Chronic sleep deprivation can exacerbate these conditions and affect emotional regulation. Sleep helps regulate emotions; without it, people may become more irritable, aggressive, and less able to cope with stress.
• Weakening of the Immune System: Lack of sleep weakens the immune system, making the body more susceptible to infections, such as the common cold, flu, and even more severe illnesses.
• Chronic Diseases: Poor sleep is associated with an increased risk of developing chronic conditions like diabetes, heart disease, and even cancer. Though the science is conflicted about cancer, studies show a positive correlation between cancer and shift work. [3] It's also linked to increased blood pressure, inflammation, and heart rate variability, contributing to heart disease, heart attacks, stroke, and other cardiovascular problems. [4]
• Increased Risk of Obesity: Lack of sleep affects hormones that regulate hunger (ghrelin and leptin), leading to increased appetite, cravings for high-calorie foods, and, subsequently, weight gain. It also affects insulin sensitivity and glucose metabolism, increasing the risk of developing type-2 diabetes.
• Increased Risk of Alzheimer's Disease: Chronic sleep deprivation has been linked to the accumulation of beta-amyloid plaques, which are associated with Alzheimer's disease and cognitive decline.
• Poor Physical Performance: Sleep is crucial for muscle recovery, coordination, and overall physical and athletic performance. Lack of sleep can result in decreased endurance, slower reaction times, and increased risk of injury.
• Delayed Healing and Recovery: Sleep plays a vital role in tissue growth and repair, and lack of it can slow down recovery from illness or injury.

And it's not just negative health effects. Among people in the workforce, studies say that fatigued, insomnia-afflicted workers cost the US about $63 billion a year in lost productivity.

Reasons for Sleeping Separately

Given all those health and emotional reasons and the overall importance of getting quality sleep, to sleep in separate beds might make a lot of sense for your health.

More than one-third of Americans say they occasionally or consistently sleep in separate rooms to accommodate a bed partner, says the American Academy of Sleep Medicine. Men are reportedly usually the first to hit the sofa or a guest room. And apparently women are the ones that get the nicer room!

There are many reasons sleeping in the same bed can compromise your sleep quality. Snoring, difference of preferred temperature of the room, cover stealing, and tossing and turning often lead one of the partners to separate rooms.

Other issues include illness or medical issues, different work shifts, and partners who go to bed and get up at vastly different times... such as one going to bed at midnight and the other getting up at 3:30 am. And sleep apnea can drive one of the partners to their own bed also, whether from snoring or from the CPAP machine.

What's more, partners sleeping separately and getting sufficient sleep may add spark to their love life and make better emotional connections. [5]

Perhaps surprisingly, it's young folks who sleep separately most, not older people. Perhaps because they're more likely to have grown up in bedrooms by themselves without having to share with siblings.

The Benefits of Separate Bedrooms

Many sleep professionals and individuals who sleep separately say that achieving adequate sleep -- defined as seven to eight hours a night -- is important for healthy relationships, and is helpful to their relationship, not harmful. That can depend in part on how it's handled, and whether or not you play the blame game.

May Reduce Stress and Improve Relationships

Sleeping in separate bedrooms can reduce stress and improve relationships, as couples can enjoy uninterrupted sleep and wake up feeling refreshed. The goal here should be an improved relationship, not an, "I'm throwing the book at you because you're keeping me awake with your snoring". Focus on making it a win-win and be sure to address the other person's concerns about intimacy and snuggling.

More than a third of Americans choose to “sleep divorce” their partners, prioritizing sleep quality and avoiding common sleep disturbances. However, the term "sleep divorce" has negative connotations, and therefore you might want to phrase it differently. The word, "divorce" has a negative finality to it.

Sleeping separately can help couples get better sleep and reduce fatigue and relationship tension. This is the case you want to make if you're pitching the idea to your significant other for the first time. Focus on the benefits to your relationship and offer to do it as a trial at first.

People should take care with this communication, as sometimes "getting better sleep" can be an excuse to sleep apart because of deeper issues in the relationship. The red flag is this: Is the relationship already showing signs of failure?

The Science

Sleeping in separate beds or separate bedrooms is a choice being made by real-world modern couples. Despite the negative stigma of sleeping in separate bedrooms, sleep experts conclude that there are many benefits to the improved sleep obtained by sleeping alone.

A 2017 study from Ohio State University found that quality sleep reduced frustration and irritability between couples, and facilitated communication. When sleep deprived, couples' interactions were more hostile toward each other.

Mood was linked with sleep quality in a 2010 study published by the National Library of Medicine. It showed that women who were happily married reported lower numbers of sleep disturbances than those who were unhappy in their marriages.

According to a 2021 YouGov survey of more than 12,000 adults, only about two-thirds of them say they're willing to share their bed. Or even their bedroom! [7]

The Benefits of Sleeping Together

On the other hand, there are benefits to sleeping together. A 2022 study showed a positive correlation between sharing a bed, sleep, and mental health. Sleeping together can lead to synchronized heartbeats, and touching while sleeping releases oxytocin, a stress-relieving hormone.

At the end of a long and busy day, sleeping together in the same bed allows you to snuggle and talk, as well as providing opportunities for intimacy. Sleeping in separate rooms by contrast, can feel more like siblings living together, or a dormitory.

It is perhaps telling that relationship therapists view sleeping separately more negatively than sleep researchers do. And fortunately there are compromise strategies available for those who want to sleep together and still get the quality sleep they need for a healthy body and healthy relationships.

Implementing the Best Sleeping Arrangements for You

Sleeping Together

Sleeping together doesn't mean you can't get your seven to eight hours of sleep. Or that you must consistently experience poor sleep. Because today there are many choices.

For example, to resolve temperature differences, you can get dual control electric blankets. And now there are dual controlled smart mattresses available that can adjust the temperature over a 30-degree range, and mattress firmness to your personal preferences and your partner's to their preferences.

You could also consider getting a bigger bed, which gives you each more space. For example, a king bed is the size of two twin beds, so you have the space you probably grew up with. A split-king mattress gives you two extra long king mattresses that you can customize each side to one person's liking.

Some couples who want to sleep together resolve the problem by having their own top sheet and blankets, which could resolve the problem of cover stealing. A sleep mask could help address lights that are on for those who sleep somewhat opposite schedules. Earplugs and white noise machines can help also. So there are ways to make it work.

Finally, some couples have a sort of part-time apart, part-time together arrangement -- perhaps sleeping apart during the work week and together on weekends, for example.

Sleeping Apart, Not Being Apart

Sleeping in separate beds or separate bedrooms doesn’t necessarily mean couples are avoiding intimacy, but rather recognizing that intimacy can be had separately.

The key to making separate sleep spaces work is talking about it beforehand and understanding and agreeing with your partner over the arrangements. Remember not to throw them under the bus in this discussion. The goal is an improved relationship.

Separate bedrooms can be a temporary solution to a challenge, and couples can still maintain a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

And unfortunately the effects of sleep debt pile up quickly. So the sooner you address your sleep problems, the better.

Our Take Away

Whether you choose to sleep together with your partner or spouse or apart, the best choice is really a personal one and should be based on what is healthiest for your situation.

The good news is, no matter which group you fall into, there are usually ways to improve your sleep. It might take some changes to your sleep hygiene, such as lifestyle tweaks, stress management, or even chatting with a doctor, but better sleep is possible! Sometimes help can be as simple as turning off devices and enjoying a cup of chamomile tea or hot cocoa in the hour before bed. Perhaps you need to take a warm bath or shower at night to help you relax or increase your vitamin D levels with some late afternoon sunshine. It's also a good idea to be wary of daytime napping. There is a right and a wrong way to energize from a power nap.

You can also try a natural formula like Green Valley Natural's My Sleep Miracle, which contains a combination of nutrients and herbs scientifically proven to promote safe, healthy sleep.

The bottom line is that separate sleeping arrangements can work incredibly well for some couples, and be a disaster for other couples. There's no one-size-fits-all way of sleeping. And it's important to remember that there's more to a relationship than the time you spend in bed -- at least there should be.

Whatever your sleeping arrangements are should be a mutually agreed-upon solution based on a non-accusatory discussion of the facts. Try it out for a short trial period before committing to it long-term. And be sure to find ways to balance separate sleep with together time.

Summary

Many couples are increasingly choosing to sleep separately to improve their sleep quality and overall health. This trend, sometimes referred to as "sleep divorce," can help reduce stress, improve mood, and strengthen relationships by allowing partners to get sufficient rest without disturbances such as snoring, temperature differences, or varying sleep schedules. While there are benefits to sleeping together, such as emotional closeness and synchronized heartbeats, the key is finding the right arrangement that suits both partners' needs. Whether sleeping together or apart, the focus should be on achieving restful sleep and maintaining a healthy relationship.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is it normal for couples to sleep separately?

It is considered perfectly normal for couples to sleep separately, at least some of the time. For some couples, it may be rare and intermittent. And for others it may be several nights a week or more.

What is sleep divorce?

A sleep divorce is an agreement that you'll sleep separately, at least some of the time.

What percentage of couples sleep separately?

About one-third of couples sleep separately, and two-thirds sleep together.